A group of British dissidents has appealed to France to invade the United Kingdom and bring about regime change. According to a spokeswoman at the Elysee Palace, French President Jacques Chirac received the request in a letter from a group of British exiles and “pro-democracy activists” calling themselves the “Free United Kingdom Movement” or FUKM, for short. BNN obtained a copy of the appeal in full:

“Dear President Chirac, On behalf of the people of the United Kingdom, we appeal to you to help our suffering and once proud nation rid itself of a leader who defies the wishes of his people and is trying to drag our country into a bloody and senseless war of conquest against a distant nation that has done nothing to us.

We have evidence that this leader has made a strategic alliance with the leader of a fanatical foreign cult that is bent on world domination. This cult is commonly known as “The Superpower.” For years, The Superpower has been building bases all over our country, where it trains men in fighting, including how to drop bombs on civilians in distant nations from far above them. It is also stockpiling weapons of mass destruction in our country, including nuclear missiles. We are afraid that our leader and The Superpower he serves will drag us into a holy war.

The international community and the United Nations Security Council are trying to stop this war, but our leader and The Superpower say they will simply disregard international law and do whatever they want. They disdain the will of the world, as well as our own will.

Our desperate efforts to change this leader’s course have come to naught. Millions of people came into the streets, and all our leader said was that if they did not go along with his war plans they would have blood on their hands. Our brave religious leaders, including the heads of the Anglican and Catholic Churches have appealed to our leader, and told him his path is immoral. He is defying them too, although he claims to be a religious man. Yesterday in our largely rubber-stamp parliament, more than one hundred and twenty members of the leader’s ruling party dared to vote against him, and yet still he carries on pushing us to war.

President Chirac, we are a small nation with many needs. Although we once tried to rule the world, we realized it wasn’t for us. Today we have the highest rate of child poverty in the European Union. We can’t even run our trains on time, and too often they fall off the tracks killing many people. Why is our leader spending billions of pounds on the folly of war?

We desperately need democracy. Above our leader is an unelected “monarch” who spends billions of pounds on palaces all over the country, money that should be used on the needs of the people. Instead of moving democracy forward, our leader wants to roll it back. He has rejected calls for free elections for something we call the “House of Lords” and he insists on filling it with his appointed cronies. We no longer have the cherished right to remain silent in criminal proceedings. Almost every move we make is watched by closed circuit television cameras. President Chirac, we have many other problems as well. For example, our police have been found to be “institutionally racist” by human rights organizations. We have more people in prison per capita than any country in Europe (though not as many as The Superpower which imprisons millions of its people, mostly the poor and the non-white, in vast work camps.)

With this grim situation before us, we feel we have no choice. We must appeal to the people of Old Europe, to immediately assemble a coalition of the willing to disarm our leader, expel the foreign cult and its horrible weapons, and to help us put in place a truly democratic republic. Please, President Chirac, act at once, before it is too late!

Signed,

“Free United Kingdom Movement” (FUKM)