Israeli army fears new Palestinian “Super Rock”

TEL AVIV (BNN)—Defense Ministry sources revealed today that Israel’s army is struggling to meet the threats from a Palestinian “super rock” which it is feared will decimate Israel’s tank forces in the Occupied Territories.

Israeli spokesmen have long defended the use of live ammunition, tanks and helicopters against Palestinian civilians who are either unarmed, or armed with rocks, by arguing that rocks, too, can be deadly.

For this reason, say the sources, Israel’s army has been compelled to deploy its heaviest and most advanced equipment to meet the threat from 9 year-old boys lobbing fist-sized pieces of rubble at them.

“At the present time, we have only just succeeded in staving off the threat from these deadly pebbles,” said Israeli military analyst and retired major-general Onef Koach. According to Koach, the number of Israeli troops killed by Palestinian children throwing rocks is currently zero, as is the number of tanks destroyed. Amnesty International for its part says that the number of Palestinian children killed by Israeli forces since October 2000 exceeds three hundred, all of them completely unarmed and innocent, although some may have been throwing rocks.

According to Koach, this kill ratio is getting much too close for comfort. “We cannot rely forever on the inferiority of Palestinian weapons,” said Koach, referring to leaked reports that Palestinian scientists buried deep in Yasser Arafat’s Ramallah compound are using the abundance of rubble there to develop a new Palestinian “super rock.” “If this is the case,” said Koach, “we could actually see the paint on some of our tanks being chipped instead of the rocks just bouncing off harmlessly as they do now. This would be a disaster for Israel’s deterrent capacity, national morale, and macho pride, and would give the Palestinians the message that the Israeli army can be defeated by force.”

Asked about these reports, the Palestinian leader Yasser Arafat denied them categorically. “I am asking the whole international community to come and see—do we have rocks here?” he said, standing atop a fifty-metre high pile of rubble that used to be the Palestinian National Archive, flanked by all four of his remaining supporters.

Left: Before, rocks were just part of the landscape. Right: Now, the very idea of a Palestinian “Super Rock”TM as big as a Merkava scares the khakis off your average Israeli tank commander. (BNN)

According to the leaked reports, Palestinian scientists have discovered a way to enhance regular rocks by disguising them as falafel, kibbeh and other delicacies. The weapons will be deployed in the streets of Palestinian refugee camps to tempt Israeli soldiers on patrol. When they approach, seeking a tasty snack, crack Palestinian forces will begin lobbing them (tahini sauce optional). Israeli military experts said that Israeli troops have yet to receive training to respond to such ferocious falafel fire.

The Defense Ministry sources, who spoke on condition of anonymity, said that the Israeli government was preparing a request for a special grant of an extra $8 billion from the United States to upgrade Israeli forces to meet the new “super rock” threat, and to purchase mass quantities of combat-grade tupperware in which to collect errant falafel missiles.

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