I refuse to say goodbye

“No”: We refuse/But who is listening to us? by Mazen Kerbaj. View more of his work.

Just got home … was driving like crazy. Word on the street is that Israel is threatening to hit Beirut now. I feel so helpless. I called Maya, she said that if she dies today that i could keep her DVDs that I’m borrowing. I told her the same.

I called my husband and told him to come home right away. If I die, I want to be in his arms.

My little brother is here with me. He is 20 years old. He is making some tea now. He believes it is going to be ok. We are supposed to be discussing a plan he has to make t-shirts with slogans on them to raise money for the relief shelter he is volunteering at.

This could be my last entry … maybe …

I have thought of that every time I put up an entry. But today, I am writing it with real fear in my heart.

The violence continues. The hating continues.

How can we stop this? Please help to stop this.

I am only 30 years old. I have not had children. I want children. I want to live. I want to grow old with my husband. I want my children to play with my friends’ childre n… simple things, I want.

I want to breathe good air again. I want to wake up without my stomach in a knot. I want to stop coughing and vomiting. I want to continue to believe in humanity.

My head is spinning from anxiety.

I will not accept death. It is not my time. There is still so much in life to experience. I want to smile … and laugh … simple things, I want.

I will not say goodbye … I refuse to say goodbye.

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Zena el-Khalil is an installation artist, painter, curator, and cultural activist. She is the co-founder of the art collective, xanadu*, that is based in NYC and Beirut. Her blog, documenting her writing from Beirut, is located at http://beirutupdate.blogspot.com/.