OTTAWA (BNN)—Following up on warnings issued yesterday to naturalized Canadian citizens born in Syria, Iraq, Iran, Saudi Arabia, Yemen and Pakistan concerning their possible harassment, arrest, detention or deportation should they enter the United States of America, the Canadian Foreign Ministry today issued the following helpful checklist. Officials strongly urge that all Canadians unfortunate enough to have begun their lives as towel heads or camel jockeys consult this list before finalizing travel plans to or through the United States of America, as such trips could result in one-way and obligatory tickets to their countries of origin.
Dear Naturalized Canadian Citizens Hailing from Countries Now Collectively Known as “Axes of Evil”:
As you are doubtless aware from press reports and recent statements issued by this Ministry, our paranoid and slightly hysterical neighbors to the south have instituted additional mind-boggling security measures, now in effect at all border crossings, that may affect you personally.
To help you decide whether or not to make that trip south to buy cheap cigarettes, purchase hot lotto tickets in Buffalo, or enroll in cutting-edge cancer treatment programs earlier than 2025, please read and answer the following list of statements:
I am not now, nor have I ever been:
1. at a military training camp near Kandahar.
2. enamored of turbans, baggy pants, kaffiyehs, or tarbushes.
3. the owner of a box-cutter.
4. bearded and wild-eyed.
5. in love with Mullah Omar, blind sheikhs, FBI military advisors in Kabul, or flight instructors in Florida, Minnesota, or Arizona.
6. a fan of bellydancing, shish kebab, cardamon-spiced coffee, or tabooli.
7. the owner of a falafel and/or shwarma shop.
8. alarmed by current US policies in the Middle East.
9. able to operate a rocket propelled grenade launcher.
10. convinced that Ariel Sharon is Satan’s spawn.
11. the owner of an Osama-rama T-shirt.
12. disgusted by Izzy Asper and his CanWest media empire.
14. named “Muhammad,” “Yasser,” “Ali,” “Ahmed,” “Farouq,” or “Ramzi.”
15. brown-eyed, olive complected, mustachioed, and un-bald.
If you are unable to assent to one or more of the above statements, do not even think about visiting the United States of America as long as George W. Bush and his unelected band of neo-conservative advisors remain in office.
Should you persist in your travel plans despite this warning, rest assured that Foreign Minister Bill Graham and Prime Minister Jean Chretien will dutifully wring their hands uselessly should you be deported to Islamabad, Tripoli, Tehran or Damascus.
So watch your step, eh?