Last night, Shaggy Farrel, ghost writer to US President George W. Bush, admitted that he made some crucial errors in his draft of Bush’s remarks to the United Nations General Assembly last month.
In the speech, read by Bush on September 12 at UN headquarters in New York, Farrell confused policy statements, which political analysts have acknowledged might have major implications for US foreign policy conduct.
“Jeeze, Louise! I should never have written that the US demands the immediate enforcement of UN resolutions!” Farrell whined at an impromptu press conference. “When I wrote that speech, I was fishing around for a good and believable reason for us to cream Saddam, but I forgot about Israel! Worse still, I went on to write that free societies do not intimidate through cruelty and conquest, but that gets us tied up in some serious pretzel logic and all kinds of nasty contradictions: If Israel is a free society, then this would clearly be a lie. I’m losing sleep over the fact that I am responsible for President Bush fibbing on international television!”
White House officials have refused to comment on Farrell’s confessions. However, in what may be a related development, the State Department announced a “serious policy change.” Next week, State Department Spokesman Richard Butcher will set out the global implications of the speech, which is now on record at the United Nations.
Asked what these implications might include, an unnamed source said it might mean that the United States will now be bound to enforce Israel’s withdrawal from all Arab territories occupied since 1967, and also to enforce, as the United States did in Kosovo and Bosnia in 1999, the return of Palestinian refugees to their homes, and finally, to enforce all other relevant UN resolutions ignored for over half a century.
Palestinian officials were reportedly dancing on the ruins of Yasser Arafat’s demolished headquarters in Ramallah. In other parts of the West Bank, Palestinians staged all-night celebratory marches waving American flags and carrying portraits of the American President along with UN flags. Thousands of joyous Palestinians marched in the West Bank, Gaza and across the Arab world.
“This is a triumph for international law!” said Ahmad Khalil, who broke the curfew in Nablus to march and celebrate the now famous words of George W. Bush: “The just demands of peace and security will be met — or action will be unavoidable.”
White House sources refused to comment, noting that they were busy studying the principles of Aristotelian logic and finding it quite a hard read, but not quite as hard as the Universal Declaration of Human Rights and the Geneva Conventions.