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al Bassaleh

All the news that isn’t (satire and humor)

Bush offers solution to leadership problem

28 January 2004

During secret talks between US President George W. Bush, Israeli Prime Minister Ariel Sharon and former Palestinian Prime Minister Mahmoud Abbas, the US President offered both leaders a solution to the leadership problem. “I don’t like leaders who are not listening to me. Today, I offered them a solution. The Israelis and Palestinians have been fighting each other for too long. I presented both leaders with the tools to solve their issue.”

Israelis, Palestinians Seek Corporate Sponsorship for Conflict

15 December 2003

Hoping to reverse their sagging/non-existent economies, and realizing that the prospects for a peaceful settlement in the near future are bleak at best, the Israeli and Palestinian governing authorities have finally agreed on something — selling the rights to aspects of the conflict to the highest corporate bidder (although who will collect and keep the profits is, of course, the subject of bitter debate). BNN special correspondent Barad Al-Roubeen investigates the latest in a long line of proposals to sustain the Israeli-Palestinian conflict, from Madrid to the Geneva Accord.

Photo of the Day

Khaled al-Kharrah
9 November 2003

Photo of the Day is a BNN feature which offers a photograph on a day. This is not to imply that this is a regular feature, nor that this photo is truly the mother of all photos for the day in question. Usual disclaimers apply. Residents of the Palestinian town of Ramallah increasingly appear to have bad teeth. One of the few orthodontists, Dr. Hytham Shit, fears that it has something to do with his name. Dr. Shit told BNN that sometimes his patients would pay someone else to go for them or they would put lots of onions and garlic in their falafal.

Peace process for dummies

5 December 2003

Peace process for dummies as explained through the eyes of a war-monger, or a peacenik, or demolition man, or the terminator, or who’s that person on the couch in front of new kids on the settlement. Are you intimidated and confused by Ariel Sharon? Do you find that traditional newspapers are overloaded with technical details and maps you’ll never use? Do you postpone important life decisions because you just don’t want to deal with them? Then the latest For Dummies series, “Peace Process for Dummies” is for you.

What's law got to do with it?

5 October 2003

Al-Bassaleh’s Loreh Al-Malekeh has just scooped Israel’s pop music story of the year! Here she reports on Israel’s exciting new entry into next year’s EuroVision music competition. Following in the gender-bending footsteps of Israel’s award-winning pop diva, Dana International, Israeli Prime Minister Ariel Sharon will don a full Tina Turner wig, a black suede miniskirt, and fishnet stockings to perform a new twist on a 1980s hit song at next year’s contest. In the intro to a new rock video featuring Sharon in drag, the hardline PM gushes with gratitude.

Photo of the Day

19 August 2003

Photo of the Day is a BNN feature which offers a photograph on a day, and calls it “Photo of the Day”. This is not to imply that this is a regular feature, nor that this photo is truly the mother of all photos for the day in question. Usual disclaimers apply. A Palestinian Reuters cameraman was shot and killed while filming near a U.S.-run prison on the outskirts of Baghdad. Witnesses said he was shot by soldiers on an American tank from close range. US soldiers need help to distinguish between some of the more difficult-to-identify items that people carry in Iraq.

Saddam lookalikes photo threatens politicians, entertainers

4 August 2003

U.S. troops hunted Saddam Hussein on August 1, 2003 armed with new pictures of how he might look in disguise, as a fresh audiotape purportedly made by the fugitive dictator urged Iraqis to drive out foreign troops. ‘Only the actions of the faithful who struggled and fought can evict the invaders,’ said the taped message aired on Al Jazeera television. ‘God will grant us victory.’ Altered images of Saddam released by U.S. Central Command are seen in this composite photo.

Exploring the truth: Pictland, Pictishism and Peace

11 June 2003

Inspired by the Zionists who established a Jewish state in Palestine, the Pictish people who lived here for hundreds of years are reclaiming Scotland. Persecuted throughout the world the time has come for a Pictish state, the only place where the Picts can possibly be safe. Asked whether peace is possible the Picts say: “We�re prepared to make painful concessions. For example a couple of years ago we offered to let the Scots set up a Scottish state in Sutherland, a miserable, wet expanse of freezing-cold peat bog”. Scottish correspondent Hajjis al-Bint reports.

Israeli shock as Sharon "comes out"

Avraham Avinunu
28 May 2003

Yesterday Israeli prime minister Ariel Sharon shocked his nation when he told them “You may not like the word, but what’s happening is occupation,” and he insisted that “holding 3.5 million Palestinians” against their will is bad for Israel and bad for the Palestinians. Today, BNN can reveal the truly shocking fact that for years Sharon has enjoyed dressing up as a Palestinian in private and he insists that his close friends call him “Abu Omri,” following the Palestinian tradition of calling someone after the name of their eldest son.

Whitney Houston visits Israel for Christmas Album inspiration

Najeeb Al-Anbarri
27 May 2003

American pop star Whitney Houston and her husband Bobby Brown are currently in Israel, as Houston searches for inspiration for her coming Christmas album. BNN’s Najeeb Al-Anbarri reports.

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