AMERICA AT WARA NATION, POISED TO BOMB THE SHIT OUT OF WHOEVER IS BEHIND THE TERROR, ENCOUNTERS MAJOR OBSTACLE
Washington D.C. -- Following announcements yesterday from an angry President Bush that "America would obliterate those who trained those who carried out the terrorist attacks and make life miserable for those governments who encouraged the terrorists," there was a brief pause as the CIA informed the President that, "in fact, that would be us."
"Actually sir, if you want to get technical," CIA head George Tenet added during his emergency briefing of President Bush, "a succession of American leaders -- including your dad -- contributed to the mess of bad foreign policy decisions that enabled us to bite ourselves so profoundly in the ass."
"Propping-up undemocratic regimes, assassinating democratically elected leaders, and the carpet-bombing of civilian neighbourhoods has acted as the radicalising agent that we intended it to," Tenet (pictured left) reportedly told the President. "And arming lunatics with biological weapons and gifting corrupt, repressive regimes with state of the art weaponry has resulted in exactly the kind of unmanagable cell-based resistance networks that we conceived of in the School of the Americas."
Tenet noted that America actively funded and trained Islamic fundamentalists in the Middle East, including training in terrorist techniques to allow small groups of minimally armed guerillas to keep superpowers running scared for years, gun-shy, cowering, and unsure from where the next blow is coming from.
Since America's campaign against the former Soviet Union was successful, leaving the U.S. as the only superpower on the planet, it has only been a matter of time before terrorists trained to destabilise superpowers became frustrated at the lack of use for their specialised skills and turned them towards the only target left.
"Someone should have figured that one out," Tenet commented, "and maybe come up with some extra-curricular activities for these out of work terrorists. Macramé or something. Who knows?"
The President reportedly contended that the United States could only have encouraged what he described as "good terrorism, all-American terrorism", and refused to accept that the very bad terrorism witnessed on September 11th could have had an American source.
It was not clear at the time of publication whether or not U.S. troops would commence bombing Florida, a state which harboured 16 of the 19 terrorists involved in the World Trade Center and Pentagon attacks.
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