"All the news that has been exercised regularly enough to deemed healthy for the masses"	electronicIntifada.net
Volume 1, Issue 5 - Akhbar Min Falestiin Ranging Min Mish Battaal Ala Zay Zift	Black Fall 2001
[ Home | Fall 2001 Index ]
NEWS HEADLINES BACKLASH REVEALS AMERICAN CONFUSION AMERICANS BEAT THE CRAP OUT OF NUNS FROM ARIZONA TO ALASKA Washington DC - Following the attacks on the World Trade Center and Pentagon by Middle Eastern extremists, American citizens responded by venting their rage on those they were able to identify as being linked to the terrorists. At the Immaculate Sisters of the Bloody Virgin Chapel in Duluth, Minnesota, nuns were shocked when mobs of area residents appeared outside the Catholic sanctuary late Wednesday night, armed with petrol bombs and clubs, calling on the nuns to "go back to Iran, you fucking towel heads!" Around the country similar attacks were reported. "I suppose we can't be too harsh on them," commented Mother Superior Helga Svenson, herself the grand-daughter of Swedish immigrants. "After all, they grew up in a society which believes there are only two regions in the world -- America and the other one. As far as your average American is concerned our dress marks us out as originating from an alien society, possibly the Middle East." The American Union of Catholic Bishops advised nuns at Catholic institutions in the United States to stay indoors until initial anger at the terrorist attacks had receded. "The AUCB condemns in the strongest possible terms the acts of violence on September 11th," read the Thursday press release, "and urges the public to recognise that - like all decent law-abiding Americans - nuns who happen to wear the same garments as those who committed these terrible crimes feel awful about what has happened." The AUCB would not confirm or deny rumours that a plan was being implemented to embroider habits with the phrase "CATHOLIC NUN" in red. Courtesy of www.mnftiu.cc MIDDLE EAST EXPERTS CONCERNED ABOUT INCREASING QUALITY OF MIDDLE EAST EXPERTS Washington -- An increasing demand for knowledgable spokespersons on Middle East affairs following the terror attacks on the Twin Towers in New York and on the Pentagon in Washington has resulted in a dramatic increase in the number of Middle East experts. "It is a disgrace to our profession", says Dr. Weisberg, a Middle East expert who regularly appears on news programs. "I used to be one of ten, now there are hundreds who claim to be an experts." Advertisement Dr. Weisberg is a researcher who has dedicated his life to Middle East-related issues, conflict resolution and terrorism. He is a full time research fellow at the New York Institute for Near East Strategy, where he edited a book entitled "Saddam: Ruler of Hell" and wrote a monograph on Osama Bin Laden. "Ever since this attack on Western civilization, the number of experts has increased dramatically", says the academic. "Before I used to be on CNN, ABC and other networks every week, but now I am happy if NPR calls me once in a while." Hannah Izhak-Ross, Israeli-American analyst from the very independent Washington lobby group Protect Israel In A Sea Of Terror (PIIASOT) confirms Weisberg's concerns. "Now you have experts suggesting that Israel is an occupying power and that it violates human rights! Where do they get this from?" "Before 9/11 we could easily refer to 'terrorist' as a synonym for Arabs, Muslims, and Palestinians and everyone believed us", he said. "Now, it's as if the crass racist stereotypes we mete out aren't sufficient explanation. People are calling for what they call 'genuine answers'! Imagine!" Next month, Senseless Pro-Israeli Academics (SPIA), one of the leading think tanks in Washington is organising a conference titled "The Truth About Israel". Already, controversial issues such as 'occupation', 'closure' and 'human rights' have been removed from its agenda. "We do not want to become another Durban", says conference coordinator Jacob Hertzal. "We prefer to avoid sensitive issues," he said, "so that the conference can achieve its aim, namely, the truth about Israel." Around 5,000 Middle East Experts are expected to attend. Courtesy of www.mnftiu.cc [Fall 2001 Index]	NEWS IN BRIEF Youth outreach: Israeli tank commander Yigal Amos recently featured in an anti-drug commercial broadcast on IBA Channel 1: "Don't get stoned," Yigal says. New Artwork: "Promoting vegetarianism", renowned avant guard artist Damien Hirst's latest photographic art, raised controversy when it was leaked to be a commentary on U.S. aid to Israel. ADVERTISEMENT: Cost of state of the art missile to be fired at some hole in a military-looking building: $300,000 Cost of missile-mounted video camera and broadcast mechanism to instantly deliver the above B&W footage to an aircraft carrier off the coast of Pakistan: $100,000 Cost of talking head to send with footage to CNN in order to pass off carpet bombing as "precision targeting": $2,000 an hour. Fact that a $29.99 subscription to an uncensored stream of colour images via the Al-Jazeera satellite channel can render all of the above irrelevant? Priceless. Spore of the beholder: 8 out of 10 housewives polled in Arlington, VA, described the "fluffy flower worms" pictured above as "cute". Despite being informed by pollsters that the FFWs were in fact anthrax bacteria wiping out the last vestiges of a monkey's spleen, a full 6 of the 8 housewives modified their answer to "kewl".
Disclaimer	[ Home | Fall 2001 Index ]