AL-BASSALEH INTERVIEW:BERT, AN ICON FOR MILLIONS OF CHILDREN, CONVERTS TO EXTREMIST ISLAM
Kabul, Afghanistan -- Our reporter tracked down Bert in a secret training camp on the outskirts of Kabul in order to question the popular former children's television character about his recent conversion to extremist Islam.
Al-Bassaleh: Bert, is it true that you have converted to Islam?
Bert: My name is now Waleed Abd al-Muharrid! Make no mistake! The sweaty infidel will know the wrath of Allah, the terminator of delights and the separator of companions! The corruption and moral decline of the Western societies will only be stopped by a return to Allah! The unbelievers will quake in their shoes as the Last Day approaches, at which point Allah will punish the evildoers with fire!
Al-Bassaleh: Does this mean that your years of being a model of tolerance for millions of children are over?
Bert: Televison is merely a cheap and sweaty vehicle for Western decadence and false values! Only Osama Bin Laden has the almighty mandate from Allah himself to create a world where our children can learn the truth! I have chosen to join Osama's mujihadeen at this crucial time in the jihad against Amreeka! God is greater! [ends]
Editor's Note: For those who missed it, the Bert/Bin Laden connection was in fact a genuine news story that began with the actual wire service image at the bottom of this page. Read more about this bizarre story on Fox, Wired, or CNN.
ISRAELI GENETICISTS NOT SHEEPISH:
"OUR CLONING PROJECT WILL BRING PEACE!"
In what could be a watershed development in the field of trans-species genetic research, a team of Israeli scientists today announced the first attempt to clone a cross-species being, one that would combine Palestinian genetic material with that of sheep. "As everyone knows, Dolly, a Scottish sheep, was the first successful clone of an animal," said Dr. Iva Badideyyah-Levi, "Now we want to achieve something even more ambitious: A sheep like breed of Palestinian that will accept the Oslo package completely, without a peep of complaint."
"Such a new Palestinian," continued Dr. Badideyyah-Levi, "would be perfectly content to live without borders, economic autonomy, contiguity of territory, or freedom to come and go as they please. They'd be happy just to get one meal a day, and be told what to do. This would simplify our initial aim to reduce the Palestinian population to the status of worker drones in Israeli factories, and best of all, as everyone knows, sheep are very peaceful and non-violent creatures!"
Palestinian spokesmen had no comment, other than that this would be yet another successful example of Israel's amazing ability to "pull the wool over the world's eyes."
Loreh Al-Malaki
| NEWS IN BRIEF |
 Darwin Awards: Despite thinking it through pretty well, this homemade armour-wearing Palestinian demonstrator overlooked the accuracy factor added by Tritium night sights and the associated problem posed by hollow point ammunition travelling 3,117 feet per second.  Jailhouse suck: B'Tselem employees demonstrate how Israeli prison guards bend over backwards to accomodate Palestinian detainees. |